helbling: (vampire)
**Disclaimer: I'm very tired, but I wanted to make this mess of a post, so please excuse me if I occasionally ramble off on a tangent or accidentally a word.**

So, it's no surprise I'm voting Remain tomorrow, if you've been paying attention to what I've reposted on my feed. While I have tried to keep what I promote to articles or sources that are informative and well resourced, they've all had one particular bias. (It's worth noting that I honestly don't think I'd have been able to find Leave posts with the same level of fact checking and information, because they have not run that sort of campaign).

The vast, vast majority of my feed is also voting Remain. So honestly, this post has little point if I were aiming to swap you to my side; if you're reading it, chances are, you're already there. Which is good, I suppose, because that's not really what I want to talk about.

What I want to talk about is the fact there should never have been a referendum in the first place. I do not have, and do not have the time to gain, the knowledge and experience required to make a truly informed decision here. Neither do the vast majority of the British public. We elect officials to act in our best interests. Experts provide data and break downs of that data for them to use to decide. It is the officials' full time JOB to turn that data into actions that will benefit the British people. What we're all going to be doing tomorrow is mostly closing our eyes and pinning the tail on the donkey; going by gut based on who has told us what. I am hoping and praying that the majority of voters go with the evidence supplied by the experts rather than the propaganda peddled by those who need your vote to keep their (often ridiculously high) income, but I suspect it will be closer than I'd like.

So why are we here? There are a few possibilities, but I have a theory why, and if it's true, it's the reason why there is a referendum is also the reason it's going to be so close tomorrow.

And, in my theory, the reason is the media. Newspapers in particular, to be honest.

Papers aren't doing so well (or shouldn't be) in modern days. Their format, whereby they provide an infodump of the news from the last 24 hours at the beginning of the day, and that's it, doesn't mesh well with our lifestyles - those of us who live on the net (I can't claim 'youngsters' here, I'm 31 FFS) are far more used to, and get far more use out of, constant microstreams of information that come in throughout the day delivering up to date news. Some have a decent online presence, but it's nothing compared to the % of the market they used to command, given the big names in online news are BBC, Huffington Post and, of all things, Buzzfeed. My observation has been that rather than adapt their format to this new way of obtaining and processing information, they have instead adapted their content to induce more people to buy. Namely, the sheer amount of alarmism and fear-mongering they promote and peddle.

Additional disclaimer: I might be entirely wrong. Nostalgia is a tricky beast, as the Leave campaign well knows, but as best I can recall in my youth, headlines and articles contained nowhere near the levels of overt racism, xenophobia, and what I term 'proud and righteous ignorance' they do now.

And the effects are far reaching. One of Grove's frequently used lines is 'People are fed up of being told what to do by experts!' What? Used to be people strove to BECOME experts. Now they boast about ignoring them as if it's a mark of pride. Similarly, train-wreck journalism has meant that the far-right has been lent an air of unearned legitimacy, because politics is a lot harder to sell, because it looks a lot more BORING, when you strip it of sensationalism. The headline 'Vote on issue X defeated by respectable majority' is a lot less likely to sell than 'Far-Right Politician says He Will *insert discriminatory action* Against *Minority*!'

And it's had a palpable effect. We've gotten used to seeing these extremist idiots on our front pages, and mentioned in the same breath as the prime minister, as if they're of equal importance. We've sort of made room for them on the political scene, as if they're a frequently invited guest that we need to appease and make allowances for, rather than what they ought to be - fringe extremists who should be a foot note at best. Until eventually, we end up pandering to them, at least in part, to win 'that section' of the vote.

And thus we have this referendum. Because a right-wing idiot screamed loud enough that he wanted it, and the media, rather than treating it with the proportionality it deserved, handed him a loud speaker.

Sidenote: I've heard tell that some companies are gearing up to sue the Leave campaign for false claims. It is my fondest wish that everyone who has made a patent and willful falsehood in this race gets dragged through the legal mud. Maybe it would lead to less ridiculous campaigns in future.

Anyway, obviously, it's severely impacted British politics, and the voting patterns of the British public. Because we've got the nation going to the polls tomorrow to vote on something we should never have been asked to vote on, and apparently half of them are proudly proclaiming they're not going to be listening to those damned 'experts'. I keep having flashbacks to listening to American Republicans talk about things like gun control and global warming. We have lost the right to mock them about Trump, we really have.

So, what can we do? Not a lot, to be honest. The press commission can police what is printed but not what *isn't* printed; they can't do a square thing about what proportion of a newspaper is devoted to which candidate, whose agenda and campaign promises they print and laud and whose they ignore entirely.

But what *I* can do, and I intend to, is never buy from them again. Most of my generation already don't bother, but it can be one more straw on the damned camel. And maybe, just maybe, those papers can die at the same time the man who owns most of them does, and it will get better...not for our generation. But for the next one.

Weekend

Jun. 26th, 2015 02:45 pm
helbling: (vampire)
I'm up and down at the moment. My mood is odd, in a way that indicates I'm approaching socialization burn out, which is good in some ways, because after months of struggling with it, it's fantastically nice not to have the lonely feeling dogging you at all times, even after a couple of weeks where Doug has been out of the country a lot.

But in others, I'm so, so glad I'm taking tomorrow as me time. The flat is a tip, which always stresses me out, so getting that straight will be nice. I'd like to do some writing. I'd like to coo over my plants. I'd like to go on a bit of an adventure around town and see what new fun things I can unearth to drag Doug and/or Phil to when the opportunity arises. I will step foot in the car not once if I can bloody swing it.

Trying to follow doctors orders and avoid stress is being met with limited success. Blah. Talking about that here will only cause drama. As will realisations I've come to about the attitude of 'if I've done something wrong, tell me about it', which is causing me to rethink some things. Those are for the other blog I have where nothing and no one, Doug excluded, from irl has any links to it, but I've been posting here now for 12 years, almost, so it seems wrong not to at least mark it.

3 hours to go until I can escape and go hurt myself at the gym some more. Ho hum.
helbling: (vampire)
So much for doctor's orders of staying away from stress.

Whooboy.

Apr. 28th, 2015 11:58 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Nothing creepier than realising that one of the 50+year old men who has messaged you more than once on OKCupid, with a missive that, while not outright rude or NSFW, pinged up at least a couple of red flags, especially given the repeated messages even when you don't reply...

...works in your office.

Thankfully, the reason I didn't catch on at first (aside from my fucking memory) was that I've never actually had to interact with him in a professional capacity, so his face - and I've never had a good memory for faces - sort of disappeared into the crowd.

It was only today when I caught sight of him in profile that I had a sudden thought of 'hey, he looks familia-oh no." Double checked, and yes, it's him.

*sigh* Life, would it be so hard to ask for a date that, y'know, I could actually get excited or hopeful about? I mean, really?

*mutter, grumble, not worth the damned hassle.*
helbling: (vampire)

I've managed to make you read the title in Professor Farnsworth's voice!

Ahem. But genuinely, I have a positive-feeling thing. It is not a thing I have talked about in public before, so bear with me. But the good thing is! My memory loss is not permanent!

...actually, it is, but it's not immovable! This is a good thing! Huzzah!

Ok, so, let me catch everyone up.
Read more... )
helbling: (vampire)
Can't be arsed to do screenshots, especially as this is being written while LJ is down to be posted later. But I need to vent.

Under a cut for people who are bored with my whining:
Read more... )
helbling: (vampire)
Dear woman at work who sits behind me,

Thanks but I don't need to hear you rehashing the details of the German wings flight, now with bonus discussion of how terrified the passengers must have felt and dramatic enactment of the 'pilot banging on the door' bit again. For the 5th time. I already get antsy about how much Doug flies, and how much of it is done on budget airlines with less than sterling safety records. This isn't helping.

No love.

Dancing

Mar. 23rd, 2015 09:52 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Oh dear. Think I may be hooked on Salsa. Whoops.

It's not a form of exercise, not really. I was never breathing hard, by heart rate never really rose. But it's interesting.

I thought it wouldn't be at first. I got there when the doors opened, ended up being third in and then sat in a corner people watching and wondering WTF I was doing.

People there fell into three groups.

The middle age to late middle age couples strode in, threw their arms around each other, kissed cheeks and then asked how the curtain rail hanging had gone, stood in an odd hodge podge with just enough personal space between each adult that you got the impression they were used to children running between them and making room for them was now automatic.

The women trickled in to huddle in corners in colourful groups, talking noisily. There was apparently a uniform that they lied about on the website - tight jeans, sparkly top, high heels that are as glittery as you can make them. Me in my dark blue work dress with flat gold ballet pumps (in line with the recommendation we wear flat shoes) felt out of place.

The men rolled in in defensive packs. There were a surprisingly large amount of them. From the backslaps and punching each other on the arm, apparently this is considered a manly thing.

I confess, I was surprised.

Then the beginners were shuffled into a different room, and we went through the basics.

I did salsa for about 3 months, once upon a time in college. It was all girls, so, naturally, I danced the boy section and never really cared. This was different. The bit that makes it interesting is the communication. All that arm waving between the couple is actually them talking. If you were going through an entirely preprepared routine, their arms would remain entirely still.

There is a way you hold your arms, your wrists your hands. You should never close your hand, your thumb should never come into contact with your partner or your own fingers - your hand should hook, not grasp. And then depending on how your partner moves your hands, that indicates the move you're about to go into. And you don't tell them 2 or 3 move ahead so they have warning, oh no. You do it as you're starting the move. Like, literally, the second you go into it.

If you're not on the ball, toes get crushed, walls get run into, it's all a horrible mess. A lot harder mentallty than anticipated.

A slight pressure back is a step back. If it's followed by a pull, that means forward and back. A semi circle with your right hand means open step. A movement out to the side is rumba. Side motion with side step means half turn wrap. Let go of one hand means a switch positions step change. I'm sure there are huge numbers more, but this was a beginner's class, even if some people have been there months.

Incidentally, yes, I am already wondering if this has combat or practical LARP applications. More thought required.

Only, naturally, because I'm me, I couldn't help but work out how to hack it. I despise Vivienne in DA:I as a character, but she has an attitude or two I can get behind. 'A leash can be pulled from either end' is one of them.

Turns out, you can lead from either side, even if they don't realise you are.

Tangle your fingers in theirs at the top of the twist means it's not possible for the man to wrap you twice in a row, instead falling into a simple forward-back to recover their grip. A slight forward motion as you change steps, as if you've stumbled but hit it spectacularly well, and they'll likely drop back to a back step to get distance. Step confidently out to the side in a rumba and they'll panic, think they've accidentally indicated to you that's what was about to happen, and end up following your lead.

Sorry guys - contrary to what the instructor has told you, there are women who know exactly where and what they want to do on the dance floor, and they will use you to get there. I am one of them, turns out.

Picked most up from an older gent - judging from the lime green paisley neckerchief, I'm presuming his male partner was present somewhere, but he seemed to know everything, despite occupying a spot in the beginner's room, rather than moving on up. You get at least one whereever you go - someone who'd prefer to be the big fish in a small pond than push themselves. He was interesting and taught me things though, so frankly no judging - whatever makes him happy.

Will go again, I think. Will wear the uniform next time. And see exactly how much more of this I can pick up.
helbling: (vampire)
Getting really fed up with talking to guys, only for them to reveal later in the conversation that they have a partner and their relationship, as far as the partner knows, is monogamous. Augh.

Let's have at them.

Read more... )
*sigh* Not exactly uplifting stuff.
helbling: (vampire)
Because it's late and I'm bored, have a few more.

Read more... )
helbling: (vampire)
On a lighter note, I've been doing online dating for a couple of weeks now.

It has been...interesting. It has yet to yield anything like an actual date. So far, what I have learned is there is always, ALWAYS a sting in the tail. Most of the time, ridiculous ones.

Sometimes, they're upfront: I had one gentleman contact me with a line that went something like 'So what hoops do I have to jump through to take you out to dinner then?' Another who started by reassuring me that he wasn't interested in sex as he lived on another continent, and then, in the same paragraph, asked if I'd be interested in working my way, with him, through the karmasutra via cybersex.

Sometimes, they're less upfront but still obvious, like the researcher in Bristol who wrote a lovely opening message, and then topped with the revelation that he regularly wore nappies and found using them 'for their intended purpose' comforting, and if I wasn't ok with that it was probably better I didn't reply.

Sometimes, they're downright sneaky, like the guy who slipped this into one of his messages: "Awkward full-disclosure bit: I'm in a monogamous relationship that will probably become open at some point, but even without that last bit I still think making friends is lovely." So when I agreed in my response that friends would be awesome and also all that would be happening until his relationship officially stopped being monogamous, he stopped talking to me and I haven't heard from him since.

Originally I got frustrated by these things, and would delete them, but now I've taken a different approach and started documenting them. So, without further ado: screenshots from the depths of OKC!
Read more... )
That's all for now folks! Tune in next time, for more WTF moments from online dating!

Oh great.

Mar. 1st, 2015 08:19 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Utterly hate the build your crew ooc concept for the 24hour. Don't actually have words for how much. It hits just about every we don't like you and don't want you trigger I've got. In a way that is reasonably understandable actually, when you look at it. Fantastic way to top off the feeling of being isolated and unwanted. Bloody awesome.

Should just fucking give up.

Gathering.

Sep. 15th, 2014 11:04 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Ok, so, I turn a numerically significant age sometime next week. To 'celebrate', a bunch of us are going to be in the Westgate, Bath (info: http://gkpubs.co.uk/pubs-in-bath/westgate-pub/) from 7pm on Sat the 20th for drinks and boardgames (we have a room to ourselves). All welcome - would be lovely to have people along for either or both if anyone feels so inclined, feel free to bring your own games along if anyone wants.

ffs

Sep. 2nd, 2014 01:48 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Dear depression downswing,

I see you lurking there. Don't you think I don't. Do not do this. I have a full week, a Larp I've been looking forward to for months and then a week off I desperately need to do nothing more than lounge by a pool and read. Sod off. I knew you might be a brief issue when post event blues hit, but if you show up before the event has even started then I'm sunk. Honestly, truly, go away. I need to enjoy myself over the next 10 days. I can't do that with you.

No love,
Em

This isn't a request I make very often, but I seem to be responding really well to tactile reassurance at the moment, so if anyone that's happy to could provide hugs at said event, that would really help.
helbling: (vampire)
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

16/100

Aug. 3rd, 2014 10:43 pm
helbling: (vampire)
Who wants to hear about all the good shit that happened today? BECAUSE A LOT OF GOOD SHIT HAPPENED TODAY, GENTLEFOLK, AND IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I CAN SAY THAT, SO FUCK YEAH, YOU'RE GETTING A LIST. AND JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, LET'S COCKSLAP THIS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

1) I MOTHERFUCKING CAME OUT AS BI TO MY FAMILY. THEY WERE AWESOME AND SUPPORTIVE ABOUT THIS.
2) I MOTHERFUCKING CAME OUT AS POLY TO MY FAMILY. THEY WERE CONFUSED, BUT STILL AWESOME AND SUPPORTIVE ABOUT THIS, AND THERE WERE LOTS OF QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO OF MY FRIENDS I HAVE SLEPT WITH. THEY ACTUALLY GOT MORE CONFUSED WHEN THEY LEARNED I WAS NOT SHAGGING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.
3) I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH A DOGGIE ON MY BED. SHE WOKE ME UP THREE TIMES AND GAVE ME A HEADACHE FROM OVERHEATING, BUT I STILL GOT DOGGIE KISSES.
4) I GOT JAFFA CUDDLES. AND THEREFORE SPOTTED A GREAT WHOPPING TICK ON HIS NECK THAT NO ONE ELSE HAD NOTICED BECAUSE HE'D BEEN AVOIDING EVERYONE ELSE, BUT HE CANNOT RESIST MUMMY CUDDLES, SO I PINNED HIM DOWN AND MANAGED TO REMOVE IT, AND HE ONLY SULKED FOR LIKE AN HOUR BEFORE FORGIVING ME AND COMING BACK TO DRIBBLE ALL OVER ME WITH HAPPY.
5) I DROVE BACK TO BATH IN UNDER 2 HOURS. FUCK YEAH.
6) I GOT TO SPEND A GOOD FEW HOURS HANGING OUT WITH SOME PEOPLE FROM TEAM ME, AND IT WAS AWESOME TO SEE PEOPLE AND JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT. ALSO DOMINION. WHICH I APPEAR DOOMED TO FOREVER COME SECOND IN.
7) I HAVE AWESOME BEAUTIFUL PEARL EARRINGS THAT WERE GIVEN TO ME BY CAT. FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN SHE'S AMAZING.
8) "BUT I THOUGHT PANTOMIME WAS A BUNCH OF MIMES ALL DOING THINGS TOGETHER ON STAGE? ISN'T THAT WHAT DOUG'S GOING TO BE DOING?" DEAR FLO: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, NEVER CHANGE.
9) I MADE IT UP TO THE PUB AFTER LARP, AND GOT TO SAY HI TO PEOPLE. AND ASSISTED IN RESCUING SAM'S WALLET FROM A SEAGULL TRYING TO EAT IT.
10) OH YEAH, GUESS WHO BROUGHT HER FLUTE HOME NOW SHE HAS TIME TO FUCKING RELEARN HOW TO PLAY IT AGAIN? HELL YEAH, EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION MUTHERFUCKER.
11) OH, AND CAME HOME AND ONLY MANAGED TO GO FOR A JOG. HELL YEAH.
12) UNDERWATER HOCKEY TOMORROW.
13) AND GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY WITH PEOPLES ON WEDNESDAY.
14) AND I ONLY HAVE TO WORK UNTIL WEDNESDAY - OH DID I NOT MENTION THAT? YEAH. HOLIDAY MUTHERFUCKER! WITH THREE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.

SO, THAT WAS A GOOD WEEKEND. AND IT WILL BE A GOOD WEEK. AND I'M FUCKING GETTING SOMEWHERE WITH THE SELF CARE, BECAUSE I WAS GETTING PRETTY FUCKING FED UP WITH STANDING STILL. SO HELL YEAH.

Memories.

Jul. 23rd, 2014 12:03 am
helbling: (vampire)
Cape Town, for anyone who hasn't been, is a lot like the UK in terms of weather. The only odd thing is the reversal of the seasons, which meant when I was there in the height of English summer, it was grey, wet and chilly-ish. It was still quite humid, but by no means bikini weather; it meant layers and anoraks.

It also meant storms.

The city is right on the coast, and one of the specialties that can be done down there is cage diving with great white sharks, which we didn't bother with. Why dive to be put in a metal box and hope the creature comes to you? Not my idea of fun.

But, when the weather was bad enough to stir up the sea and reduce visibility to nothing, the boats the divers go out on are sat in port with no one to hire them. They can still sail, but no one hires them to do so, because why would you go under the water in those circumstances?

Turns out, if you bung them some cash, they'll still take you out, even when lightning and thunder are rolling across the sky in waves that mirror the ones the boat is negotiating. Even if 'you' are a family of 6, where all 4 kids are under 21. Even if it's a rather large catamaran, and the children are all grinning like maniacs, as if they know a secret about what's about to happen.

I have ridden a boat through a hurricane. It was involuntarily done, in the Virgin Islands, and admittedly only the tail end of it, but I've done it. Sat up on deck because seasickness isn't so bad in the open air, with contours of salt forming on my cheeks, in my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes. There wasn't really any more majesty to it than that. There was no darkened skies or ominous noises. The seas didn't swell or foam or blacken. Just an increase in wind and watching as the palm trees bent lower and lower, and our captain looked ever more frantic. It was like watching a door slowly open, and as it did so, more and more wind coming through it. The only thing you could do was do your best to be out of the way before it finally cracked wide enough to allow a proper breeze.

Not exactly poetic.

This however, was different. Storms are not hurricanes, or this one wasn't. This was power; raw, unmitigated, magnificent power. It was the sheer force of nature, but to say that by going out in it we fought it would be to suggest that by standing in the middle of the motorway, I might challenge the internal combustion engine. I would be doing no such thing - I would be taking a chance to see something in action up close and personal and hoping I didn't get hit in the meanwhile. We couldn't challenge this. There was no contest. We were less than ants beneath nature's boot, we were so much lesser that we wouldn't even invite notice.

We still went though.

We used to love riding through bad weather after dives on the RIB when we came back from diving. The roughest ride was at the nose, so we'd cluster together, hanging on for dear life and bouncing - literally - off the side and the floor like crazy people, shrieking with laughter the whole time.

This boat looked like this. We'd spent a week on one before, in the Galapagos. We were utterly familiar with how they moved, because we'd spent most of our time hanging off it at precarious angles trying to watch turtles and manta rays. Our favorite place to do this from was the front of the two trampoline type structures at the front of the boat, curled up by the nose.

You see where this is going.

Our parents stayed inside, telling the crew, no, really, we knew what we were doing. Yes, even the 8 year old - Nina was always bad at being told no due to nothing but her age, and this wasn't going to be an exception. She and I on one side, the other two on the other. Sliding out of port like a guilty teenager trying to slide unseen out of the house didn't really work. The storm hit us the second we slipped out from between the markers; it was like being hit in the face with a frying pan.

You don't know power until you've done this. You don't know the meaning of being small, being nothing, until you've done this. You don't know the majesty of existence, the grandness of this world we live in and the magnificence of the systems that govern it, until you've had that moment.

You don't know the strength of your own grip until you've done this.

There are no handholds on the front of a cat; it's not designed for how we used it. There is some rigging attaching the canvas to the boat, so you thrust your hands in and form a first around a likely piece of rope and hang on. Hang on in the literal term. We became airborn, then were slammed back down as the boat crested then dropped over a wave. It would pitch to one side, then the other, our bodies slamming back and forth, bruising down my left side where I came in contact with hard fibreglass. Rope burn around my left hand when that was all I had left to cling on with when Nina lost her grip and I grabbed her.

Driving rain mean we couldn't see; very quickly I took my glasses off and stuffed them down the side of one boot when it became apparent they were a hindrance. It didn't help. Sea water didn't spray over us, so much as waves broke on the side of the boat, leaving us drenched. The wind was howling, literally like a wolf, I've not heard that noise since, and everytime we avoided getting wetter for more than about thirty seconds, it was strong enough we'd start to dry out, salt crystals forming where they could, leaving us sticky and marked with white, until the waves struck again. Lightning flashed across the sky making everything shriek for a second, then thunder boomed and deafened us when we'd though we couldn't hear anything but the wind, ever again.

Couldn't see, or hear, or speak. The world shrinks down to the waves you're riding, the grip you're maintaining, salt everywhere, in your mouth, nose, stinging your eyes, pain in your knees and your arms, hang on, hang on, hang on.

And you do, because somewhere under the raw power is raw joy. Is a meaning you can't put to words, because it touches something so fundamental within you that no human has ever thought to verbalise it because it is what makes us us. It is like peeking inside the answer booklet for the question of life, like looking into a mirror and seeing absolute truth reflected back, not just from within you, but from all things.

It is the sudden knowing of the world, in all its glory, and fathoming that you are but a single tiny creature, being tossed around on a contraption in the middle of an ocean in a storm, but you are still there and nothing, no force in all the universes, will ever negate that one, single, pure, high pitched note of unmitigated truth. And knowing that you've hung on through that means you know you can hang on through anything, through everything, because nothing, ever, in all the world could challenge this.

The crew, when we pulled in and disembarked, told us we were crazy. Mum and Dad looked hesitantly pleased that we were pleased - because we obviously were, we were still grinning like idiots, even soaked to the skin, raw from the sea surf and with hair that looked like we'd been fondling a van de graaf generator - but obviously couldn't quite grasp the appeal. We shrugged and kept grinning.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back, and relive that moment. Sometimes, I think I'm already doing so.

'You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mMine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.'

-Wild Geese, Mary Oliver.
helbling: (vampire)
I hate my brain.

Stuff

Jul. 3rd, 2014 10:41 pm
helbling: (vampire)
I'm struggling through some stuff at the moment. It's odd, because the way I'd normally work through stuff like this is to talk about it, or write it out and post it, because it's always easier to dissect such things through print. But this is stuff I, for the most part, can't talk about, can't write down. So I'm a little stuck.

I have no idea what else to say there.

But I can tell it's screwing up other things in my head, because I find myself getting angry with my mother a lot. My mother and I don't have the world's best relationship, but the anger isn't exactly something that's explainable, because I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks. No arguments, that's just how it is.

But the anger is there, and blah. Ok, that is something we can talk about. Read more... )
*sigh*
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