helbling: (vampire)
[personal profile] helbling
On a lighter note, I've been doing online dating for a couple of weeks now.

It has been...interesting. It has yet to yield anything like an actual date. So far, what I have learned is there is always, ALWAYS a sting in the tail. Most of the time, ridiculous ones.

Sometimes, they're upfront: I had one gentleman contact me with a line that went something like 'So what hoops do I have to jump through to take you out to dinner then?' Another who started by reassuring me that he wasn't interested in sex as he lived on another continent, and then, in the same paragraph, asked if I'd be interested in working my way, with him, through the karmasutra via cybersex.

Sometimes, they're less upfront but still obvious, like the researcher in Bristol who wrote a lovely opening message, and then topped with the revelation that he regularly wore nappies and found using them 'for their intended purpose' comforting, and if I wasn't ok with that it was probably better I didn't reply.

Sometimes, they're downright sneaky, like the guy who slipped this into one of his messages: "Awkward full-disclosure bit: I'm in a monogamous relationship that will probably become open at some point, but even without that last bit I still think making friends is lovely." So when I agreed in my response that friends would be awesome and also all that would be happening until his relationship officially stopped being monogamous, he stopped talking to me and I haven't heard from him since.

Originally I got frustrated by these things, and would delete them, but now I've taken a different approach and started documenting them. So, without further ado: screenshots from the depths of OKC!

Just as a scene setter, these messages are all the FIRST CONTACT these people have ever made with me. I have not taken screenshots from anything that has been part of an ongoing conversation, or where I have messaged them first.

For starters, I haven't bothered to document the sheer number of people who just messaged me saying 'hi'. Or, sometimes, 'hi, how're you doing?'. This is such a stupid thing to message someone, because what the fuck are you expecting in return? This isn't a bar, it's a website, put some damned content down.

And yet, as low a bar as the above is, some people miss even that.

Or, decide to go for a different, yet still entirely nonsense, word:

Others decide to lead with an entirely different set of facts:

Or have no idea what ponderings should stay inside their own heads:

Or where the boundaries of politeness actually lie:

Yet more make me wander WTF the kids are using as chat up lines these days, because this is not what used to happen in my day:

Others are just plain weird.

Just remember kiddos; that was his first ever - and only - message to me.
The rest of his profile contained this:

Some people LARP and decide our shared hobby means the first thing he should jump off with is complaining about the state of things:

And this guy's profile makes it worse:

And then tops it off with a cherry of pretentiousness:

But no profile has made me WTF harder than this:

That's all for now folks! Tune in next time, for more WTF moments from online dating!

Date: 2015-03-05 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dbexx.livejournal.com
I just... What? Like, what the everloving fuck?
Good grief.

Date: 2015-03-05 10:21 pm (UTC)
xanthipe: (Default)
From: [personal profile] xanthipe
The sad thing is that I know that these are really quite tame and sane on the scale of OKC insanity.

Date: 2015-03-05 10:44 pm (UTC)
ifeelsodirty: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ifeelsodirty
If the comments get really inane and you get bored, time for shenanigans:


Date: 2015-03-06 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pujaemuss.livejournal.com
I'll admit that the last one made me laugh.

Incidentally, *do* you have a public stance on satin clothes? I feel that's an important fact that I should know about more people.


Date: 2015-03-06 10:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] helbling.livejournal.com
I do have an opinion, but can't help it's more important to share the loneliness. Potentially with a borderline racist called Kevin.

Date: 2015-03-06 07:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] midget-gem.livejournal.com
oh my goodness, what the actual?! though I might have laughed

Date: 2015-03-09 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valient-starr.livejournal.com
I wont lie; I read some of those in the same monotone dull voice as Tommy Wiseau from The Room.

"Oh Hai Mark. You having much casual sex?"
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