Hey, stop! Hold that bandwagon!

[helbling]

Razzin Frazzin Memes.

Ask any character I've written/played in any system or fiction for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

(Yes, I'm aware this is a little ironic given one of my characters is an aunt and spends a lot of her time giving out advice, unasked for or not.)



For reference, characters I can think of, even digging into yonder year:
Prospera
Tempest
Jenny
Yara
Tahalin
Taki
Janie - Tabletop vampire version.
Janie - VtM LRP version.
E.M.M.A
Jayan
Rega
Arachne/Lottie
Beau
Elise Delacroix
Errr...oh god, I'm sure I've forgotten someone...

Comments

[magicaddict.livejournal.com]

Dear Beau,

What advice would you give for a neonate looking to make his way in the glorious and ancient domain that is Aquae Sulis? Beyond making myself known to the Prince, obviously?

Considering a Move, London

_______________


Dear Rega,

I'm currently stuck in the underdark, genuflecting to Llolth at every turn and kicking males because they happen to be in my way. In truth, all I want to do is dance. How can I realise my dream in the moonlight?

Spider Woman, Underground

_______________


Dear Jayan,

Do you have a universal go-to poison, or do you brew and use as necessary? My options are limited and I am wondering whether to stick with what I have or branch out into others.

Legitimate Businessman, Everywhere

_______________


Dear Arachne,

What qualities do you look for in a Johnson? Do you prefer the hands-on type, or some more laissez-faire?

Pretty/Wonderful, Seattle

_______________


Dear Tempest,

Isn't your problem simply that you just haven't met the right man yet?

Awesome and Available, Heusenberg

[aralli.livejournal.com]

Dear Auntie Beau,

I'm moving from the US to the UK soon. What can I do to lessen the culture shock?

Seeing The World, South Carolina



Dear Auntie Prospera,

Patrols often offer opportunities for significant financial gain - but the people in charge may not let you go after them, and may also insist on communist redistribution of the rewards even if it was you who put all the effort in. How can one maximise one's benefit from these side-quests?

An Unusual Investor, Heusenberg

[cheekychipmunk.livejournal.com]

(Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay - Alaina. I'm helpful?)

[helbling.livejournal.com]

Dear Considering,

Don't. If y'all wish to shorten yer life span that much, ah'm told tropical islands are a more pleasant way o' doing so.

Sincerely,

Beau.

Dear Spider,

My sympathies. Know that the chances of you making the change without pain or loss are extremely small. I would recommend the following:
- Work out who you love, and who it would hurt you to lose. If the answer is 'nobody', then I commend you on your intelligence. You must then either persuade them to come with you, or remove them from the situation. Either send them away, or make them appear above suspicion of being important to you. This might involve you having to blow off a limb or two, but at least they'll live.
- Work out who will want to come after you, and what methods they will likely use. If, for instance, your mortal enemies are drider breeders, I'd recommend escaping by boat. If they have an extensive spy network, invest extensively in invisility charms and kill those that sold them to you.
- Work out where you're going. If you know of a local settlement that you think you can reach without being followed, or if you are followed, will be inclined and able to defend you all against your attackers, this is best. If not, the answer 'the wylds of the underdark' is acceptable, provided you are prepared to sruvive in it. You will need shelter, water, food, and the means of procuring more of the above once yours are damaged, destroyed or used up. And do not think a single bedroll will last for long; our kind hand congregated in cities for a reason. The wylds are a hostile place.

Do not head for the surface unless you have no choice - it is a very rare surface walker who won't kill you on sight. Do not ally with the followers of deities who are not Lolth - all but Elistraee in the underdark work both sides of the coin, and Lolth pays well for run away priestesses; she likes making examples of us.

And, if all else fails, I would recommend investing in a necklace that has a hidden vial of nightshade in it. The mercy of a quick death is far preferable to what will happen if they catch you.

Good luck,
-Your sister.

Dear Legit,

Sleeping spores - either on my blade or in their drink. You can do loads more fun things with an unconscious body than you can with a dead one. Ransoming them back to their loved ones is always fun.

- Innocent. Sort of.


Dear Pretty/Wonderful,

Hands on. They tend to be more familiar with the practicalities of runs, and less likely to ask stupid questions or make idiotic requests as a result. They're also more likely to understand the value of contingency planning.

- Plan C

Dear A&A,

I'm afraid your information is somewhat out of date, my dear. I used to be looking for a man. This is no longer my problem. But you are sweet to enquire.

Tempest

[xanthipe]

Dear Aunty Prospera,

So...what do Highlanders wear under their kilts?

Desperately Curious, Heusenberg

---

Dear Aunty Tempest,

I've been informed that it's my turn to breed a new warrior for the clan; unfortunately, our local stock village had a plague earlier this year and thus I'm going to have to travel some way to find a replacement. Do you have any tips for where to acquire breeding stock, and what to look for (given this will be wild rather than tame stock) to ensure the best results?

On the Prowl, the South

[helbling.livejournal.com]

Dear Carolina,

Tha queuin', Oh mah gawd, tha queuin'. Also, hot tea. As a fellow southern gal, that's just plain weird. They suck at barbeques. And customer service. They have an odd idea of acceptable dental hygiene, and you will want a dictionary.

Also, loud noises. They seem a little scandalised by 'em. Git all yer 'yeehaw!'s outta yer system before takin' off. An' a lot o' tha posher gits laike ta look down their noses atcha. Ah recommend punchin' them on theirs if they do.

Sincerely,
Beau

[helbling.livejournal.com]

Dear Unusual Investor,

You do realise you have just asked this of a defender, yes? A commissioned officer, and on top of that, someone who was Might raised? I can therefore only question your intelligence, and while I will answer your question, some of the words in it might be a little long for someone who sounds like a cretin. If in doubt, fetch a parental figure. You also might wish to cut your own switch in the process; if they have a shred of intelligence themselves, and thus understand the need for discipline, they'll use it.

So, significant financial gain. Let's focus on what you mean by that first.
I can think of three possibilities, assuming you aren't just taking money from law abiding civilians under the banner of 'but I'm a barony patrolee', in which case you are guilty of theft while patrolling. Which means you've abused a position of trust and power, and frankly, I'd execute you on the spot:
- Removing money or goods from non-law abiding people and creatures.
- Removing goods or artefacts from uninhabited areas.
- Removing valuable artefacts, souvenirs or keepsakes from legendary creatures that have had to be put down for the safety of the Kindgom.

The first and the third of the above do not mesh with your line about 'redistribution, even when you did all the work'; I seriously doubt you just took down an entire bandit camp, or dragon, all on your own. Even if you did do all the work to take down a bandit with some gold in his pockets, that is the reason you are on patrol. For which you are being paid. I'm told there are mercenary or gold hunting groups out there. You seem to have patrols confused with them - while on patrol, you have an actual, important, job to do. If you cannot do this job, and would prefer to gold dig, leave, you moron. And good luck to you if you expect to be able to live long in groups where they charge for every drab of healing you require.

Stolen or ill gotten goods, by the letter of the law, should be passed to the temple of Justice. There they will be, if possible, reunited with their owners (or the owner's heirs, depending on the length of time they've been missing). If not, then all proceeds go into a fund to help those whose houses, homes or livelihoods have been wiped out through natural disaster, or some blood roaming necromancer or similar. To remove them is to steal them all over again, either from their rightful owners or those who are most in need. hould you do this, I hope you realise what scum you are, and that your end is long, bloody and painful.

Which leaves us with 'goods or artefacts from uninhabited areas'.

Again, two possibilities:
- The area is hostile, your patrol has broken into it, and you've split off to investigate something you think may be worth some cash.
- The area is non-hostile, your patrol is in it doing something unrelated, and you've split off to investigate something you think may be worth some cash.

The first possibility does not hold with 'doing all the work'. If you have needed an entire patrol to get into and around a hostile area, then you are reliant upon them. And they are probably, to one degree or another, reliant on you, so why exactly you've felt it appropriate to disobey orders and sod off on your own. If someone dies, I hope the CO takes it out of your hide. You have not done 'all the work', so to assume you should get all the reward speaks of breathtaking arrogance. You git.

And then we have the second possibility. No one's life is in danger, you really haven't relied on anyone else to get there or get the goods, you aren't disobeying orders or abandoning anyone with your investigation...in which case, you are a fool if you let them realise what you're up to, and let them catch you. You idiot.

Incidentally, this letter, and its envelope and postmark, have been forwarded to the intelligence service for their investigation. Should they find you, you will be barred from patrolling. Should I find you, you will regret it, you hippy Freedom following piece of shit (don't tell me you aren't freedom, I can smell it a mile off).

Sincerely,
Hoping You Die.

[helbling.livejournal.com]

Bollocks, knew I'd forgotten someone!