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Aug. 28th, 2011 11:49 pmRight, those of you who have me friended on Facebook will know that I have dubbed the latest Conan film with the dubious honour of ‘The Worst Film I’ve Ever Seen In The Cinema’.
In case you don’t, I’ll say it again here – Conan The Barbarian 2011 is possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen in the cinema. It’s not the absolute worst I’ve ever seen point blank, butvit’s close. Now please bear in mind here that Doug and I collect Bad Fantasy films as a genre. We have access to films that the general public – with the exception of our poor social circle – do not know exist. As a film subtype, we are connoisseurs; Van Helsing is considered, to us, to be a wonderful, wonderful film. Dragonheart is original and touching. Ultra Violet, The Black Death and Pathfinder are all solid members of our regular playlist.
If I were to be given a DVD of Conan, I don’t know what I’d do with it, to be honest. It’s beyond bad –I mean, we make our main entertainment out of bad, and we couldn’t with this. Curse Of the Golden Flower we howled our way though – this we mostly sat through it and gaped. It even fails at being offensive; yes, there are misogynistic moments, but they wouldn’t even be something to laugh/rage at if you’re that sort of person...because they made no sense. It’s so bad that I can’t really bring myself to hate it – I wouldn’t expend the energy it would take to set it on fire – but at the same time, it’s so, so, so bad that I might just sit there and goggle at how someone could have spend $90 million on this piece of shit.
So please, please understand how bad this is when I say that it only doesn’t hold the honour of worst film of all time because I still haven’t been able to get all the way through Dragon. It’s currently a solid #2...because it fails at anything.
So, I’ve been pondering how best to get this across. The good ole script format akin to Movies in 15 Minutes is good for laughs, but isn’t sufficient to expand on the true awfulness of it. Similarly, I could rant for a good long while, but that’s no fun to read and has the potential to not actually tell you much about the film if I end up getting side tracked and adding copious footnotes. So, I’m going to do a mashup. Spoilers below folks.
( Read more... )
Right, I’m now at approximately 2000 words, and I’ve only made it through the first 15 minutes of the movie. It’s also midnight. I’ll post the rest of this thing up tomorrow, because, holy shit, it gets so much worse. Watch this space- I’ll probably edit stuff in rather than make a new post.
Sorry folks. I did about another half an hour, but I just....couldn't. It's too bad. Don't blame me, 'kay? Blame the goddamn writers - apparently it ook 3 of them to create this atrocity.
In case you don’t, I’ll say it again here – Conan The Barbarian 2011 is possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen in the cinema. It’s not the absolute worst I’ve ever seen point blank, butvit’s close. Now please bear in mind here that Doug and I collect Bad Fantasy films as a genre. We have access to films that the general public – with the exception of our poor social circle – do not know exist. As a film subtype, we are connoisseurs; Van Helsing is considered, to us, to be a wonderful, wonderful film. Dragonheart is original and touching. Ultra Violet, The Black Death and Pathfinder are all solid members of our regular playlist.
If I were to be given a DVD of Conan, I don’t know what I’d do with it, to be honest. It’s beyond bad –I mean, we make our main entertainment out of bad, and we couldn’t with this. Curse Of the Golden Flower we howled our way though – this we mostly sat through it and gaped. It even fails at being offensive; yes, there are misogynistic moments, but they wouldn’t even be something to laugh/rage at if you’re that sort of person...because they made no sense. It’s so bad that I can’t really bring myself to hate it – I wouldn’t expend the energy it would take to set it on fire – but at the same time, it’s so, so, so bad that I might just sit there and goggle at how someone could have spend $90 million on this piece of shit.
So please, please understand how bad this is when I say that it only doesn’t hold the honour of worst film of all time because I still haven’t been able to get all the way through Dragon. It’s currently a solid #2...because it fails at anything.
So, I’ve been pondering how best to get this across. The good ole script format akin to Movies in 15 Minutes is good for laughs, but isn’t sufficient to expand on the true awfulness of it. Similarly, I could rant for a good long while, but that’s no fun to read and has the potential to not actually tell you much about the film if I end up getting side tracked and adding copious footnotes. So, I’m going to do a mashup. Spoilers below folks.
( Read more... )
Sorry folks. I did about another half an hour, but I just....couldn't. It's too bad. Don't blame me, 'kay? Blame the goddamn writers - apparently it ook 3 of them to create this atrocity.
